This is Me Trying
Ninth in my Taylor Swift's Folklore and Theology series
Content warning: discussion of mental illness and suicidal ideation
I've been having a hard time adjusting
I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting
I didn't know if you'd care if I came back
I have a lot of regrets about that
Pulled the car off the road to the lookout
Could've followed my fears all the way down
And maybe I don't quite know what to say
But I'm here in your doorway- Taylor Swift- “This is me Trying.”
“Not driving off the cliff is an act of trying...which is almost the ultimate act of trying’- Jack Antonoff
When Elijah saw how things were, he ran for dear life to Beersheba, far in the south of Judah. He left his young servant there and then went on into the desert another day’s journey. He came to a lone broom bush and collapsed in its shade, wanting in the worst way to be done with it all—to just die: “Enough of this, God! Take my life—I’m ready to join my ancestors in the grave!” Exhausted, he fell asleep under the lone broom bush. 1st Kings 19:3-5 The Message
Out of all the folklore songs I wrote about, I assumed “This is Me Trying,” would be the easiest. I mean, trying to find a way to talk about a teenage love triangle and relate it to God, was a challenge.
Meanwhile, I basically live out “This is Me Trying” every day. And yet, it’s this song that has led me to procrastinate, or to type something up and then delete everything in haste. The song that probably describes my everyday reality the best, is also the song that is the most difficult one to write about.
Because the reality is, that despite the dumb, “share the suicide hotline number” post that goes around every once in a while on social media, most people don’t actually want to hear the unvarnished truth about mental illness. People want the nice pre-packaged easy solution. “Oh, you have suicidal thoughts, call this number where you may get a person who is super understanding, or you may get an asshole who hangs up on you or calls the cops on you.”
People don’t want to hear that dealing with suicidal ideation requires more than one telephone call with a stranger.
People don’t want to hear that struggling with severe mental illness often feels like fighting a losing battle on a daily basis.
They don’t want to hear that the reason we sometimes come across as unbearably negative and hopeless when discussing the future is because we can’t imagine a future where we aren’t in pain. And yet we get told on a frequent basis that we are being “too negative.” That our very existence and presence are bringing the vibes down. We get told that we are setting ourselves up for failure because we can’t imagine a better life for ourselves. We just need to think positive and power through it.
People don’t want to hear that even when we do what we are supposed to, take medicine as prescribed, practice mindfulness, take responsibility for how we respond to our triggers, practice DBT, that we are still sick. We are still mentally ill. There are some people who do get better-their depression is situational or they no longer meet the clinical criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder. But for some of us that isn’t our reality.
People don’t want to hear that doing the bare minimum is sometimes hard. They don’t want to hear that to us, it seems like our only choices are to completely isolate ourselves-and in that case we come across as aloof and bitchy, or we can mask and try to act as “normal” as possible, until we can’t anymore, and we break down. But when we do that-we are just manipulative, or a burden, or too much.
People don’t want to hear that we actually are trying and that sometimes our best, just isn’t good enough.
People don’t want to hear that faith isn’t some sort of magical pill that you take to cure all of your mental ills. People don't want to hear that yes, I believe in God and yes, I love talking about theology, but you know what, shocker, that hasn’t healed me. I am still sick.
And yet the reality is, that many of us who are struggling with our mental health, are TRYING. We have devastating failures yes, but we also have successes. It’s just that sometimes those successes are so small that they can go unnoticed.
And multiple things can be true, right? One can affirm that people grappling with mental illness are still responsible for not hurting others and for their responses AND recognize that our illness will still manifest itself in not so healthy ways even as we learn to do and be better.
It would be great if the prepackaged solutions we are fed by dominant society and by pop Christianity worked to treat mental illnesses. Like if I could pray my Borderline Personality Disorder away, it would have been gone a long time ago. If I could bring myself mental stability by attending church, I would have been cured long ago. (Though to be clear, church services especially in-person church services, can sometimes help me regulate my emotions).
But the reality is much more complex and painful than that. The only thing many of us who are struggling every day with our mental health can offer is the fact that we are trying. That may not be good enough. But that’s the truth.
