Christianity's Idolization of Heterosexual Marriage
I don’t really celebrate Valentine’s Day. Not only am I single but my budget is still recovering from December and January holidays and birthdays. However, I wanted to take the time to celebrate love-in all it’s forms. I understand if Valentine’s Day is for couples. I don’t have an issue with that. I am much more concerned with Western Christianity’s overemphasis on marriage especially heterosexual marriage as the most valid and holy form of love.
I have a potentially unpopular opinion: Western Christianity has turned heterosexual marriage into an idol. In many denominations (though there are exceptions) marriage, especially those between a man and a woman, is treated as the near perfect representation of God’s love (second only to parenthood, which is also problematic but that’s a topic for a different day). Unlike in Roman Catholicism, many Protestant denominations do not consider marriage to be a sacrament, however, it is still taken seriously and viewed as holy. My problem isn’t with the idea that marriage should be taken seriously or viewed as holy per say, but rather I am troubled by 1) the emphasis on marriage as the epitome of love and 2) the narrow focus on heterosexual relationships that many (though not all) denominations have.
The reality is that love is so much bigger than heterosexual marriage. Look, of course I’m not saying that those in heterosexual marriages shouldn’t celebrate their love or that Christians shouldn’t honor that love. Rather, I am advocating for Christians to celebrate and honor love in all its forms. For instance, single people aren’t pathetic losers who don’t know love. While some of us would love to have (a) partner(s) to share our lives with, others of us are perfectly content not being in a romantic relationship. But that doesn’t mean our life is devoid of love. We have the love of parents, friends, nieces, nephews, pets, our friend’s kids, etc.
However, the over emphasis on romantic relationships means that at best we are treated as pathetic losers who just need to pray harder for God to bring the “right” person into our lives, or at worst, our needs and desires are ignored. We and the love that we have to give to those in our lives are erased as unimportant. We aren’t less whole because we don’t have a romantic partner. Our lives are good, holy, and filled with love.
The idolization of heterosexual marriage in some forms of Christianity means that those of us who express our love outside of those boundaries are often viewed as sinful and our love is often treated as an “abomination.” Members of the LGBTQ+ community know this all too well. Queer love in all its forms is holy and beautiful but too many Christian denominations view it as sinful. Those who are in same-sex relationships are viewed as going “against nature.” Those who are poly and therefore desire to share their love with more than one person, are viewed with disgust.
People who identify as Ace are viewed as defective, because for many Christians, especially those who believe that sex is only acceptable and good in the context of a heterosexual marriage, sex and marriage are entwined. This meshing of sex with love, doesn’t just negatively impact those who fall on the asexuality spectrum or even just queer people. But people-queer, straight, or anywhere in between, who enjoy having sex outside of marriage or outside of committed relationships are treated as if they are unable to love. Again, something is wrong with them, otherwise why wouldn’t they want to settle down with one person?
Another way that this overemphasis on heterosexual marriage also negatively impacts people regardless of their gender identity and sexual orientation is the way in which some denominations and churches view those who get divorced. While many forms of Christianity allow for divorce, denominations/churches vary on how lenient or strict they are. Those that view heterosexual marriage as uniquely holy and sacred, tend to take a hard line on divorce, believing it should be reserved only for "acceptable" reasons. As a result, those who get divorce, especially for reasons deemed to be "unacceptable" are shamed. They don't know how to love, otherwise, why did they get divorced?
Heterosexual marriages and relationships can be an expression of God’s love if they are built on equality, consent, and compassion. But heterosexual marriages in and of themselves are not more holy or sacred than other forms of love. Love, in all its forms should be celebrated. To reduce the idea that love is only holy and sacred in the context of heterosexual marriage is to place limits on love and on God. I believe in a God whose love is radical, expansive, and inclusive. As such God’s love can be expressed in a variety of ways. We do ourselves, each other, and God a disservice when we try to confine love to one narrow expression.
