Christmas Day and Practicing What I Preach (Or Not)

For a child has been born for us, a son given to us; authority rests upon his shoulders; and he is named Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.-Isaiah 9:6

My blog throughout advent: Let’s embrace our full humanity and all of the complexity of our emotions.

Me having a good old time yesterday until something small and insignificant activates my childhood trauma.

Me: commences to repress emotions.

So, I have a tiny confession to make to you guys.  I am great at writing a powerful message about embracing God’s love for us and that God wants us to embrace the full scope of our humanity-including the difficult things-the dreams that remain unfilled, the childhood we never had because neglect, abuse, and/or mental illness both stunted our emotional growth and robbed us of a childhood, the boredom, anger, etc but when it comes to actually putting my own words into practice-well I fail probably 90% of the time.  Those who despise me would probably accuse me of rampant hypocrisy and honestly: fair. I’m not going to deny that I almost always fail to live up to the beautiful words that I write.

It’s not that I don’t believe what I write-I do-%10000000.  Honestly, I for sure believe that God loves and delights in YOU. (as in the people reading this, glancing at this, scrolling past this, etc. Not the Netflix show YOU). I believe that God longs to wrap you up in their arms and let you know how loved you are. I believe God looks at your hurting and wounded inner child, and desires to embrace them and let them know everything will be ok.  There is no doubt in my mind that the Christmas story is a beautiful story about God’s love for humanity and their insistence on journeying with YOU-through the deserts and oasis, and the mountains and valleys of life.

But when it comes to me-the best I can describe it is-I can’t help but think God looks at me like “meh.”  I mean, I often use “we” language in my blogs and Instagram posts but I can’t help but feel that’s both an attempt for me to sound less “preachy” and also a deep desperation that maybe if I keep repeating the same thing over and over again, I’ll believe it applies to me.

It just…honestly sucks. I was having a great time yesterday. I had a good balance of alone time to recharge and hanging out with others. But then, bam out of nowhere, something tiny and insignificant activates my inner child-you know the one that felt unloved and was neglected, and honestly, that little bitch won't shut up. (Internally).

Let me just emphasize that In real life, I love kids. I still have to limit my time with them because I get sensory and emotion overload, which is why I am childfree, but in general, I love little kids. I understand they have big emotions they struggle to control and if I am friends with their parents and if it's ok with the parents as well as the individual kids, I love hugging them/carrying them.

But I HATE my inner child. She annoys me. She’s the opposite of everything I want to be. She’s clingy. She’s emotional.  She wants love and attention, when quite frankly, I wish she would just disappear. My inner child is a burden that I could do without.

 So when she gets activated, everything is thrown off. I often tell her, “omg, so you felt unloved as a child? Get over it. Other people have it worse. No wonder you parents didn’t love you.  You are annoying as fuck.”  I try to shut down my inner child and the out-of-control emotions she has. It usually doesn’t work.  If there was a way I could get rid of my inner child, I would.  Again, I talk to her in ways I would never actually talk to a living, breathing, child in front of me.

The last few hours have been rough emotionally. I’m glad to be spending my Christmas more or less on my own. I’m peopled out. I need time to recharge. And yet my little inner child feels lost, sad and depressed. I am more than content to chill and watch shows by myself and not be hugged or touched by anyone, but my inner child is being whiny and clingy and wants a hug.

I know in theory, what I should do. Practice what I blog about. Embrace my emotions-all of it. Embrace my inner child who is hurting. But instead, I distract and repress and repeat. When that doesn’t work, cry for a few minutes, then get control over my emotions again and distract and repress and I must not forget to occasionally beat myself up for being a hypocrite.

Even now as I write this post my internal critic is having a field day: “hmm this blog post is more self-indulgent and self-absorbed than normal. 1000% another reason why you shouldn’t be a pastor or teacher, or in any leadership position ever. You are supposed to be comforting other people during Christmas and instead you are being a big, selfish baby.”

So what do I do? Wallowing in self-pity and trashing myself isn’t helping. But I don’t have the energy to do what I think I’m “supposed” to do: talk to God, pray, reach out to others (and spoil their Christmas? Umm no thanks).

 Right now, all I have the strength to do is hold onto the various bits and pieces of sermons that I’ve heard this past week. I’m sure I’m taking these bits and pieces out of context, so I apologize in advance to the pastors who painstakingly crafted their messages only for me to use it for my own selfish purposes. But hopefully, knowing your words are bringing me some comfort make up for my selfish reappropriating.

Rev. Canon Leonard Hamlin- “Isn’t this the good news we need to hear? ‘The Lord is with you?’…’God with us,’ would turn the world upside down.”

Rev. Bri-anne Swan- “God joins us in the most unexpected ways…when plans fall apart…when we feel lonely and frightened…God shows up. Even when we are not in the mood for company, God shows up anyway.”

Rev. Jason Oden-“God entered very discreetly into a tiny corner of the world, no one was paying attention to too.”

The Very Rev. Randolph Marshall Hollerith-“The promise of Christmas is that we are not alone. We are not alone in our struggles. We are not alone in our fears.”

So today, on Christmas day, as my inner child throws an emotional tantrum and I’m too exhausted to either berate her or calm her down, I simply remind myself that God is with us. God is with you. And God is with ME.  And for today, just reminding myself of that truth is enough.

 And even though I’m not going to celebrate all my complex emotions today-I’m going to try to give myself space to feel and honor them, knowing that God can handle them. Knowing that God, in becoming human, struggled and navigated with big emotions, shattered dreams, betrayal.  

I am doing the best I can today, and that’s enough. It has to be.