Day 15: For the Brokenhearted...

Jan 28, 2020

#RethinkChurch is doing a 22-day journey for self-reflection based on John Wesley’s 22 questions. I will be composing short blog posts addressing each question. I am using these posts to encourage Christians, especially Progressive and Mainline Christians to reflect deeply on what it means to be Church in a world marred by oppression and violence.

Day 15: Am I defeated in any part of my life?

I am defeated. It feels as if in my battle against depression, the depression is wining. I would like to wake up one day not wanting to die. People keep telling me life is a gift. Well, where can I return this gift? Is there a gift receipt that I can get my hands on and exchange this gift for something else?

The problem with the gift analogy is that in many cases, if you don’t want the gift, you can find a way to offshore it without hurting another person. Someone gave you the ugliest sweater known to humanity? Well you can wear it to your next holiday ugly sweater Christmas party. Someone gave you pants that are two sizes two small? No problem, in some stores you can exchange it without a receipt and get something that can actually cover your butt instead of stopping mid-thigh.

In other words, most gifts can be exchanged, sold, donated, or worst-case scenario: kept in the attic to be dragged out once a year when the person who gave you the gift pays you a visit. But in some cases, “gifts” are more like burdens that come with a million strings attached. I am sure some of us had parents who would buy us “gifts” that were in fact attempts to manipulate and control us. Oh sure, we may have gotten an item that we desperately needed or desired, but the gift came with so many strings attached that it is a gift in name only. That’s how I often feel about life. It’s a “gift” I never asked for and do not particularly want.

And yes, I recognize that other people are going through worse circumstances and yet still appreciate life. Acknowledging this fact does nothing to make me feel better but it sure adds on to the shame and guilt I feel for not being all sunshine and rainbow every day. I also know that that there are people who have died who probably would be thrilled to have a second chance at life or to have their first chance extended. Their lives were a gift to all those they touched and it’s unfair that their presence is no longer around.

But right now, life is hard and I am defeated. I have no steady employment and the prospects of finding some in the near future, remain small. The plans I had for the next few years fell apart and I am still grieving over what could have been and angry about what occurred. I am defeated.

But what I’ve been holding onto is the hope that God isn’t done with me. It feels as if all hope has vanished and I feel like an irredeemable failure, but while I acknowledge all feelings are valid, they don’t necessary represent a static, unchanging truth.

I feel like a failure, but that doesn’t necessarily make me one (and by whose standards am I judging my success or failure by?) I feel defeated now, but how many times have I thought, “well this is it, this is the end,” only for God to catch me by surprise and show me that endings often lead to new, unexpected beginnings.

Life feels like a burden now, but I have to admit that there have been moments where I have viewed it as a gift. Those moments may have been fleeting, and they are hard to recall at this time, but I know they have existed.

I also know that as difficult as things are right now, that I am not alone. I can’t always feel God’s presence, but I know that God is with me on this arduous and crazy journey.

I also know that I am loved beyond measure but I don’t always feel loved.

But God’s love is the one constant anchor I can hold onto. Am I defeated? Right now, yes. But will I stay defeated? No.