Listening to Your Inner Voice

Thank you to Megan Westra for the summer book study on Henri J.M Nouwen’s, The Inner Voice of Love. For the next few weeks I will be sharing my reflections based on the reading.

“Conversion is certainly not something you can bring about yourself. It is not a question of willpower. You have to trust the inner voice that shows the way. You know that inner voice. You turn to it often. But after you have heard with clarity what you are asked to do, you start raising questions, fabricating objections, and seeking everyone else’s opinion.” Henri J.M Nouwen

I have a lot of friends that are pastors. As a precondition of ordination many of them had to describe in detail how they knew they were called to ministry. Some have complicated stories where the path was not that clear and they took a couple of wrong turns before figuring out that ministry was what they were supposed to be doing. Others, however, insist that they have known for years that ministry was what they were called to do. They speak of key events during high school or college, or even earlier affirming God’s calling for their lives.

I admit, I am beyond jealous of those who have a clear calling. Of course, their path isn’t easy. In many mainline denominations ordination is a long and difficult process and at any point along the path there could be people saying, “you know what, you are wrong. I don’t think you are called to ministry.” I don’t envy that difficult path they are on per say. But I do envy the clarity of purpose. They all have moments of doubt. I know they do. But the strength of their calling provides them with an impetus to move forward.

But for most of us, we never really have such a moment where God directly tells us, “ok here is what you are supposed to do.” Instead we often find ourselves meandering about. We start off on one path and suddenly find ourselves taking a wrong turn somewhere. We experiment with different degrees, jobs, or careers hoping one will stick.

Right now I’m feeling lost. I thought I had been called into academia but after a hellish experience in a PhD program, I quickly realized that I was wrong. But now I am left aimless. What do I do now? One of my professors from my MDiv program recommended I sit down and think about my values and my dreams. What do I care about? What am I passionate about? In fact, it was this professor who told me that there existed possibilities outside of academia for me to explore. I had assumed I would be applying to another PhD program because well…academia is all I’ve known. But this professor encouraged me to expand my horizons and to begin to listen to my inner voice.

So right now I am in a period of discernment and I am taking the time to pause. Academia was so all consuming. When I wasn’t in class I was thinking about my research or looking for scholarships/fellowships to apply to, I was always focused on the next step I needed to take: the languages I needed to learn, the portfolio I would need to do, etc. Not to mention that academia focuses a lot on external validation. Have you been published? Have you won grants? Your advisor better like you or they can derail your career with a bad or even neutral recommendation. I barely had time to rest let alone listen to my inner voice.

I’m using this time period to listen to myself. I’m trying not to allow the opinions and expectations of others crowd out my own voice. It’s a bit scary. It’s so much easier having a list of outside expectations saying, “ok this is what you need to do and then you can move onto the next step.” And it would be vastly easier if God would part the clouds and tell me what I need to do. And yet, listening to my inner voice is exciting. I have numerous possibilities in front of me. I am sure I will fail. I will make mistakes. I will get things wrong. But there’s also a freedom in listening to my inner voice.

I also believe that for most of us-God speaks to us through our own inner voice. This inner voice lets us know what we value and what we are passionate about. It lets us know when a path that had once felt so right is no longer working for us. We spend so much of our time ignoring that inner voice for whatever reason but eventually we find ourselves having to make a decision. Will we continue on the path that is no longer right for us or will we stop and listen to our inner voice nudging us to do something different, to try something new?