Loved...Unconditionally.

Thank you to Megan Westra for the summer book study on Henri J.M Nouwen’s, The Inner Voice of Love. For the next few weeks I will be sharing my reflections based on the reading.

“You have to close yourself to the outside world so you can enter your own heart and the heart of God through your pain. God will send to you the people with whom you can share your anguish, who can lead you closer to the true source of love.” (4)

One of my biggest disappointments when I was in academia was the realization that while there were many professors and graduate students demanding that academic institutions become more equitable and diverse, that there were also many students and professors invested in the status quo. I learned a valuable but hard lesson that shattered my naiveté about institutions of power not only in academia but everywhere.

No matter how progressive institutions of power may claim to be or how many times they say the right thing: using buzzwords of “diversity,” “equality” “inclusion” or “social justice” these institutions will take the stories and bodies of marginalized folk, exploit them in order to give the impression they are radical, and then discard these very people when they no longer meet the institution’s needs. I also learned that as a result, I can demand institutions do and be better, but that my sense of self-worth needed to come from God not from an institution meant to reproduce the status quo.

Many, many people have been betrayed and hurt by academic institutions. Many, especially those from marginalized groups have been dismissed as whiners, complainers, difficult, and trouble makers. And many people who have been hurt by academia have given decades of their lives and gone into debt to institutions that eventually tell them, “you know maybe you should go somewhere else. Maybe academia isn’t for you.”

I made the mistake of having my identity rooted in academia. Sure, I knew the job market sucked and that I would probably need to get a job outside academia when I finished my PhD but academia was a core part of who I was. People asked me what I did, I talked about my studies. People asked me what I enjoyed to do, I talked about my studies. People asked me what was going on in my life, I talked about…well you get it.

So, when it became clear that I was not the type of person academia wanted, when it became clear that I needed to leave sooner rather than later, I was devastated. Who was I but an academic? I had spent so much my life demanding and craving acceptance from my peers and professors in academia and with few exceptions I had received it. But leaving that all behind? I was lost. And in pain.

I was lucky to have supportive friends within the program who emphasized that I had so much to offer the world. But I was also forced to look outside my own comfortable bubble for support. And the amazing thing? I found it.

I found it in the church community: while many members had ties to the institution I was leaving either because they worked there or went to school there, they didn’t try to defend the school or minimize my experiences. They let me tell my story. They reminded me about how much I was loved. That academic credentials or the lack thereof didn’t define my worth. Which I knew. I have never looked down on family members and friends who didn’t have college or graduate degrees but within academia, credentials matter. So, I needed the reminder that academia didn’t need to define me.

I found it in old seminary friends, who reassured me that God’s love for me knows no bounds. That God accepted me just as I am. I found it in the advice and words from other graduate students who left their PhD programs. They assured me I wasn’t crazy nor was I making it up. Academia can and does eat its own on a regular basis. I found it in ex intelligence officers turned academics who assured me that it was not the end of the world. I found it in my former professors who reminded me of all of my gifts.

And of course, I found it in God. In fact, that is the best thing that came out of all this. After everything fell apart and my self-esteem was shattered, I turned to God’s love. I was reminded that God’s love knows no bounds. That I am a beloved child of God and nothing I do or don’t do will ever taint that.

In other words, I was reminded that I was loved and cared for. That I didn’t need to seek validation from institutions that didn’t care to see the value and worth I can bring and who only saw me as troublesome and a burden.

And that is a lesson I want to share with you. Maybe you can’t relate to my experiences in academia but that doesn’t mean you don’t know the sting of reaction and pain. Maybe you were abandoned by a friend or lover. Maybe your family turned their backs on you because you finally decided to live authentically in your own skin. Maybe you tried so hard and failed at something that mattered to you and those who should have been there for you instead walked away or worse, ridiculed you. Maybe you have been deeply hurt by the Church.

I want you to know that your worth in God’s eyes is not dependent on how others see or view you. It doesn’t matter if people think you are “weird,” “a sinner” a “failure,” or “unprofessional.” It doesn’t matter If you view yourself in those terms. God loves you. and you deserve to be celebrated. God delights in you.