Not Interested in Your God of Violence and Hate

I’ve spent the last twelve years moving away from the Fundamentalist Evangelical beliefs of my childhood. It has been a long process of deconstruction and reconstruction. It has at times been painful and confusing, but mainly it has been an adventure. The process of deconstruction and reconstruction is a lifelong one and it entails a constant desire to learn and a willingness to admit that your deeply held and cherished beliefs, may in fact be wrong. The ability to admit that your deeply held beliefs could be wrong is scary. Especially if you come from a religious tradition that values certainty and being correct.

I understand the fear, confusion, and pain that comes along with letting go of long held beliefs. For this reason, I understand why some choose not to engage in this difficult and hard work. But I want my Fundamentalist/Conservative Evangelical peers to understand that any attempts to bring me back to the fold will be futile. The simple fact is I’m no longer interested in the God that Fundamentalist Evangelical Christianity preaches about.

Now let me say I understand that Evangelical Christianity is a wide umbrella term. Language is imperfect and I recognize that there are many people who identify as Evangelical Christians who are in the process of deconstructing and reconstructing their faith and who are advocating for a more inclusive and open Christianity and one that pushes back against racism, white supremacy, and colonialism. To them, I say thank you. This post is not directed at them.

This post is directed towards the Christians that claim to love God but who publicly berate and bully other Christians for having the audacity to think critically. This post is directed towards those Christians who insist I am worshiping a false god and am condemned to an eternity of pain and suffering. I want to be direct and clear: I have no interest in your God.

I remember in college being told by a Fundamentalist Christian that the God they believed in and the God I believed in were in fact two different gods. My initial reaction was to get offended. What right did he have to claim exclusive rights to God or to Christianity? But now when Fundamentalist Evangelicals make that statement, I nod my head in agreement. Even if they proceed to denigrate my beliefs as evidence of me believing in a “false God.” I no longer attempt to argue with them or justify my beliefs with Bible verses. Instead I respond, “if your God is the one true God and the only way to avoid spending an eternity in hell is to accept this God then I will gladly go to hell."

Why? Because a God that requires members of the LGBTQ+ community to repress who they are, is not a God that I am interested in worshiping or getting to know. Because a God that demands that all people believe a specific set of beliefs or risk an eternity in hell, is not a God that brings liberation and freedom but violence and destruction. Because a God that depicts women who have premarital sex as damaged goods or as morally defective is not a God I am comfortable telling other women about. Because a God that embraces American exceptionalism and endorses the violence and death it has wrought throughout the world is not a God that loves all people. Because a God that needs a sacrificial lamb in order to avoid condemning all of humanity to an eternity of torment and fire is not a God I trust to be loving and compassionate. This God is incapable of bringing Good News but only death and suffering.

I’ve spent decades moving past the harmful and toxic theology that made me believe that I needed to deny and hide my bisexuality. I’ve let go of harmful theological beliefs that tied my self worth to my virginity or lack thereof. I abandoned a God that would send some of my closest friends to hell because they are atheists, Muslim, Buddhist, or the “wrong type” of Christian. I rejected a God that viewed women as subordinate to men.

Instead I embrace a God that delights in my queerness. I believe in a God that doesn’t enforce shame on our sexuality. I worship a God that calls women into positions of leadership and uses women to preach the Gospel. I pray to a God that doesn’t tie anyone’s worth to their virginity or lack thereof. I praise a God that makes themselves known through so many different ways-including different religions.

I used to be a Fundamentalist Evangelical Christian. I thought I had all the answers. I thought I knew who was “in” and who was “out” and I was most definitely in. I thought I had a monopoly on Truth. And when I began questioning that it felt as if I had lost all my bearings. I was devastated to lose the only God I had ever known. But all these years later, I am glad that I am no longer tied to the depiction of God I had grown up with. I was petrified of being wrong and ending up in hell. And that’s still a possibility. But taking the risk of being wrong, asking questions, voicing my doubts led me to a God that is much more inclusive, welcoming, and loving than I can ever imagine. That’s the Good News I discovered and the Good News I want to share with the world. I am no longer obsessed with being “in” or being right (at least about this…) but I am focused on learning more about God’s love and sharing it with others.

Moreover, the way some Conservative/Fundamentalist Christians react to those who disagree with them is disgusting, though not surprising. Their hateful actions are simply a manifestation of the hateful God they worship. For example, Jo Luehmann posted the following tweet: (one I strongly agree with)

https://twitter.com/JoLuehmann/status/1274883964402929664

The responses to said tweet range from those who agree and enthusiastically support her statements, to those who disagree but still can hold civil discussions, to Conservative/Fundamentalist Christians berating and condemning her to hell and of course they justify their mocking words by pointing to their faith and yet they seem to have difficulty understanding why people would run away from their depiction of God in horror. Their God is one of violence and hate. I want nothing to do with such a violent and cruel God.

So for those who feel the need to pray for me or preach at me, save your prayers and don't waste your words. I will never go back to worshiping a God of such blatant hatred and cruelty.