Setbacks and Steps Forward

Thank you to Megan Westra for the summer book study on Henri J.M Nouwen’s, The Inner Voice of Love. For the past few weeks I have been sharing my reflections on the reading.

This past spring, I was able to complete a few modules of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and it truly was life changing. Even though I was not able to complete the whole program, the sessions I had were enough to help me begin the long and painful process of reorienting my thinking in order to be healthier and happier. Even just a few months of DBT has helped alleviate the depression and despair I used to feel on a constant basis. But one of the hardest parts of DBT-something I still struggle with, is the idea that changing one’s destructive thought patterns and working towards healing is a journey and not a smooth, linear one, at that.

Often times, the journey towards healing feels like taking a cross country road trip on a car that’s on its last legs. Sometimes the car travels smoothly and then out of nowhere, it stops in the middle of the road. In some cases, you know exactly what is wrong and you can fix it and the car goes chugging along for another few dozen miles. Other times, you are at a loss. You thought you knew everything about this car, but something unexpected went wrong and now you are left trying to figure out how you can get back on your journey.

You may have to limit your expectations about how far the car can go on any given leg. Maybe you need to include a few more breaks and pit stops than you had planned, in order to ensure that the car gets you where you want to go. It’s frustrating and annoying, but you need to do what you have to do, especially if you don’t have the money or resources to just send the car to a junk yard and get a new one.

The journey towards healing is a long, painful process. Sometimes, everything seems to be going smoothly. You are dealing with your past traumas, you are limiting harmful behaviors and actions, and things seem to be going very well and then bam! Suddenly an event, a rude comment, a lost job brings your progress to a halt. When that happens to me, I often feel devastated and of course my brain sometimes does this “cool” trick, where it decides to remind me about every single failure and failed relationship/friendship I have ever had. I begin thinking about the people I have hurt in my past because of my difficulties in regulating my emotions, and the shame and self-loathing I have worked so hard to move past often returns and any progress I have made seem to be erased.

Of course, the reality is, that I am only experiencing a short set back. If I can pause and take a deep breath, I very quickly remember that I have already come a long way and that I will overcome this set back and continue healing. But in the midst of the pain, it looks, at least to me as if I am not in fact improving and it often feels as if I will keep struggling with self-loathing, depression, shame, and anger for the rest of my life.

Henri Nouwen, encourages readers to not react with despair when a setback occurs. He says, “When suddenly you seem to lose all you thought you had gained, do not despair. Your healing is not a straight line. You must expect setbacks and regressions. Don’t say to yourself, “all is lost, I have to start all over again.” This is not true. What you have gained, you have gained.” (38)

Nouwen, isn’t saying anything particularly earth shattering. I mean, I can tell you that numerous therapists have said something similar to me on a regular basis. Yet sometimes, reading the words of a stranger, who seems to have the uncanny ability of reading your mind can have a much greater impact than the soothing words of a therapist. After all, they are supposed to be supportive. But Nouwen, a stranger is saying, healing is a long difficult journey. You will stumble on the journey. You may even get lost and seem to be covering the same ground and over and again. But you aren’t a failure.

I have to keep telling myself on a daily basis I am not a failure and that I am worthy of love. I have to continually find ways to forgive myself for the many times I’ve hurt other people-intentionally or not. I have had to learn to let go of relationships and of opportunities that I ruined when I was in so much pain and experiencing so much self-loathing that I destroyed everything I touched. This process is hard. How can I show love and forgiveness to myself when I do not feel worthy of it?

But Nouwen reminds me and he reminds all of us that we aren’t alone: “In everything keep trusting that God is with you, that God has given you companions on the journey. Keep returning to the road to freedom.” (38).

The journey towards healing is one of the hardest we can ever undertake. The kicker is, that it is a lifelong journey and there will never be a time, at least not one earth where we can say, “ok, I no longer need to work on anything. I am perfect and completely healed.” But this is not a journey we need to go on alone. God is with us every step of the way. God is with us when we sail through certain portions of this journey. And God is with us when we get stuck and are unable to move forward. God is with us when we stumble back a few steps. God’s love for us is not based on how far along the journey we are. But instead God’s love empowers us to continue on this long and difficult journey.