The Deconstruction Journey
as told by Taylor Swift's song, "How Did it End?"
The deconstruction journey is a lifelong process. That can be disheartening. I left Evangelical/charismatic Christianity at 17 and I am now 35 years old. And the faith journey is a constant negotiation of holding on to some cherished beliefs tightly through the storms and pains of life, and then coming to the realization at some point that you also need to let go of those beliefs. And at least in my experience, deconstruction hasn’t gotten easier through the years. In fact, in many ways it feels harder.
Undergoing deconstruction as a teenager was difficult, not so much because I was letting go of specific cherished beliefs, but more so because all the beliefs created a world view and community that were difficult to let go of. But the individual beliefs were more or less a relief to get rid of: rejecting the idea that science and faith were at odds? Great! Not having to believe every word in the Bible is literally, true fantastic because there are some horrific and terrible stories in the Biblical text. Getting rid of the idea of an eternal hell? Yes, please! What a relief.
Additionally, when one starts deconstructing, there is this hope that the journey won’t last forever. There is this idea that, hey if we have to be in the wilderness for 40 years, then so be it, because eventually we will reach the promised land. We will get there. But what happens when the promised land-represented by certainty, security, and safety...doesn’t actually exist. What happens when on this deconstruction journey you realize-oh no, you might have to let go of the idea of a promised land?
It’s no secret that I am a Taylor Swift fan. And while her music is often ridiculed as being shallow1 because it is often about the spectrum of romantic love-including its ending, her music speaks well to the deconstruction journey. For example, right now the song, “How Did It End?” is on my repeat list. This song is not only about the ending of a long romantic relationship, but also the hopelessness that occurs when another relationship ends. It’s the “oh, it’s happening again” despite the hope that this time, perhaps love would last. The song also describes the voyeurism from those looking in, who demand to know all the sordid details.
In the first few lines of the song, Taylor begins by dissecting the end of another failed relationship.
We hereby conduct this post-mortem
He was a hot house flower to my outdoorsmen
Our maladies were such we could not cure them
And so a touch that was my birthright became foreign
These lyrics can also be applied to the harsh reality that deconstruction doesn’t actually end and that the “beliefs and truths” that we’ve held onto, are going to constantly be up for destruction and then we have to try and pick up the pieces. And it’s hard. When it feels as if we have finally become steady on our feet, the ground once again shakes, and the small inkling of stability we have managed to create is shattered again. The comfort and familiarity of the new beliefs we have constructed, suddenly feel strange and isolating again.
Further down in the song, Taylor sings:
We were blind to unforeseen circumstances
We learn the right steps to different dances (ohh)
And fell victim to interlopers' glances
She is describing a relationship that has gone off the rails, unintentionally. There is a disconnect, and this disconnect is one that is publicly available for all to see. That publicity only adds to the pain.
In a similar way, the deconstruction journey isn’t always private. Especially not for those who have made it career for their faith to be a visible and public part of their journey. The deconstruction journey is a constant process of breaking down old beliefs, learning new ones, and then recognizing that perhaps the new beliefs aren’t that great. The idea of a dance is a great metaphor for a relationship, between other humans or between humans and the divine. The deconstruction journey has moments where we feel in step with God and other people. But at some point the dance changes. And while everyone else suddenly switched to the waltz, we are still over here doing the tango. And that disconnect is not only lonely, but its a bit embarrassing.
The cycle of deconstruction is embarrassing because while everyone else seems to have their act together, we appear to continue to flail. And while some argue that faith and belief are private and personal, more often than not there is a public component to faith. And when is deconstructing the public aspects seem to be magnified.
In the below lyrics Taylor speaks about the public reaction to her personal relationship. There is a voyeuristic and gleeful quality to the reactions to the public demise of her private life.
Soon they'll go home to their husbands
Smug 'cause they know they can trust him
Then feverishly calling their cousins (ohh)
Guess who we ran into at the shops?
Walking in circles like she was lost
Didn't you hear?
They called it all off
One gasp and then
How did it end?
In a similar way, when one’s faith undergoes radical shift there are those within our circle who react in voyeuristic gossipy ways. Our journey becomes a matter of ridicule and gossip. Anyone who has left an fundamentalist religion or community knows this is true. But the reality is that progressive spaces aren’t necessarily much better. Its just progressive spaces are a bit better at hiding their voyeuristic tendencies under the language of concern and curiosity rather than condemnation.
Say it once again with feeling
How the death rattle breathing
Silenced as the soul was leaving
The deflation of our dreaming
Leaving me bereft and reeling
My beloved ghost and me
Sitting in a tree
D-Y-I-N-G
It's happenin' again
How did it end
I can't pretend like I understand
How did it end?
The journey of deconstruction involves the constant rebuilding of dreams and beliefs, and their constant destruction. In the song, Taylor describes the grief of having the dreams disappear and the loneliness and isolation that occurs. And she expresses her own confusion. People ask why did her relationship end, and she doesn’t have a good answer because she also doesn’t know.
The deconstruction journey is confusing, especially when one has been on it for decades, because at a certain point it feels as if all of the shallow beliefs have been rejected. And what’s left are the beliefs that have taken years of deconstructing and reconstructing to build and so having to force those under the same level of scrutiny and watch as some of these hard-won beliefs fade away, is extremely difficult.
In the early years of deconstructing, one loses a community but hopefully rebuilds it-but the never ending nature of deconstructing means that sometimes this loss continues to repeat itself. But this far in the journey, it can still come as a surprise that there are more beliefs that one might need to re-evaluate and let go off. And it can be tiring having to go through this process of grief again and again.
Come one, come all
It's happening again
The empathetic hunger descends
We'll tell no one
Except all of our friends
But I still don't know
How did it end?
Image: a figure dressed in darkness walking alone. Text: The deconstruction journey is a lifelong process. That can be disheartening.