When not being the worst is not good enough

The one where I talk about Sister Wives and Progressive Christianity

Promotional shot from the tv show Sister Wives

For the past few weeks, I’ve been absorbed in the reality TV show Sister Wives. It follows the Brown family, which consists of one husband, (Kody Brown) his four wives, (Meri, Christine, Janelle, and Robyn) and their 18ish children. The show is currently in the 18^th season and I am in the 4^th, so I am absolutely behind. But from clips I’ve seen on tiktok and from the tabloid articles I’ve read, three of Kody Brown’s wives have divorced/left him. The only one sticking by his side is Robyn, the “newest” wife, though by season 18 they have been together for more than 12 years.  

I want to acknowledge that reality tv is not necessarily that: it is often scripted and the drama amplified. Unfortunately, in many reality shows some of the participants aren’t always privy to this dramatic turn. For instance, the numerous children in this show are subject to the whims of their parents and the production team. And of course, it is difficult to parse out what is real, what is for dramatic effect, and what is real but only occurred because of a reality show that garners millions of views.  

In the early seasons, the family talks a lot about their faith. In the early seasons, they belonged to the Apostolic United Brethren (AUB), which broke off from the Church of Latter-Day Saints (LDS) because of doctrinal differences regarding polygamous marriage and race.  

The hope of the Brown family is to demonstrate how “normal” polygamous families can be and to show that not all Fundamentalist Mormons are like Warren Jeffs. They want to show the beauty of polygamous marriage. Of course, there is probably also a financial incentive. Their estimated income is between $25-40,000 per episode.  

But even though I am only on season 4, knowing how things eventually end, the show becomes about witnessing the slow disintegration of a family. This ironically, does serve to reinforce their original thesis: that polygamous families can be “normal” and just like everyone else. I can’t pretend to speak for anyone within that family or to truly know what occurred. I only know what I see on the heavily edited tv show.  

But, at least in the early seasons, the adults reference their faith a lot. They talk about how they were “called” to live a polygamous lifestyle, about how their faith shapes their everyday lives, and they want to show people that polygamous families are just like other families. And to be sure, they are nothing like the Warren Jeffs of the world. And yet...it’s always dangerous to simply contrast oneself to the extremes of one’s faith tradition and not explore how one’s own expression of faith can be problematic.  

I’m not interested in a debate about the merits or demerits of polygamy. (At least not in this post, maybe in a future one). I am going to be blunt, while nonfundamentalist Mormon Christians like to harp on the harms of polygamy, the ways in which they describe and practice monogamy is just as problematic.  

What I am interested in is a discussion on how in a desire to prove that we aren’t the same as the more extreme elements of our faith, like the Browns, we miss the red flags that indicate that perhaps there are some issues that need to be addressed.  

In Sister Wives there is a significant tension between the fact that adults (at least in the early seasons) believe they are called to polygamy and the practical ramifications of living a polygamous lifestyle: when Robyn is added to the family there is a lot of conflict regarding the amount of time Cody is spending with her, his displays of physical affection that the other wives believe should be saved for marriage, and the fact that that there are cracks in the various relationships even before the addition of a fourth person, yet there seems to be this naïve hope that adding another person would paper over those cracks. Instead, adding another person, only made the weaknesses larger.

And yet the desire to hold onto the faith, to fulfil the “calling” of polygamy, to demonstrate to the world that they are “normal” seems to hold the family together by a thread. In addition, the talk about the beauties of polygamy, doesn't seem to match the reality. The wives talk about how having sister wives enables them to care for each other's kids and how being in relationship with one another is just as important as their individual relationships with the husband, and yet they also frequently discuss how much happier they are having their individual houses instead of living together, how they each have had to sacrifice desires and wants for the good of the others, the resentment they feel towards their sister wives at one point or another.  

And Cody Brown talks a lot about building a relationship with each sister wife and yet repeatedly demonstrates favoritism. In other words, the Browns are saying all the “right” things about polygamy from their faith’s perspective, and they are trying hard to come across as the FDLS version of the all-American family, but in practice, there seems to be a lot of discontent that often gets papered over with religious language.  But because they aren’t displaying the fanaticism or violence of their extreme counterparts, it seems easy for the Browns (and perhaps viewers) to deny that something is incredibly amiss.  

I’ve seen a similar sentiment within Christianity, in particular some of the Progressive Circles I run in. Progressive Christians proudly point out how they are different from Fundamentalist/Evangelical Christians. And to be fair, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I think in a country where Christian nationalism is on the rise, and where there are politicians using their faith to strip away reproductive rights, to force queer people back into the closet, and seek to dismantle what little safety net they have left, that Christians who disagree should speak out loudly.  

Yet this emphasis on, “we are better and different than Evangelical/Conservative/Fundamentalist Christians” becomes problematic when it is used to ignore the very real issues within Progressive Christianity. The reality is that Progressive Christians struggle with some of the same issues that their conservative counterparts do, but often in more subtle ways that can be much harder to discern.  

Sure, unlike avowed Christian nationalists, Progressive Christians will claim to reject the mixing of Church and State or claim they aren’t uncritically following a political party, and yet how many individual progressive pastors have joyfully taken up the opportunity to pray before a state session. Unless people of various faith groups are given the same opportunity, praying at such an event is a conflation of Church and State and doing so reinforces Christian Nationalism, it doesn’t push back against it.  

Yes, even if the prayer includes a few lines about justice for the poor. To go even further, I feel tempted to ask Progressive Christians who are part of declining Christian denominations and congregations if they have the same energy against the mixing of Church and State when it their denomination is/was in a position of power? Or is the pushback related to the “wrong” group of Christians being in control.  

Moreover, too many predominantly white Progressive Christians also treat voting for the Democratic Party as the epitome of social activism. Instead of demanding more from our politicians, regardless of their stance, Democrats get a pass to cause harm because they're less overt about their disdain for the marginalized. Those who dare question the phrase, “vote blue no matter who,” are berated for not caring about social justice enough. Black and brown queer and disabled people have frequently pointed out how the Democratic Party has repeatedly failed us. Yet we are treated as the problem for not stepping in line.  

Another area of concern is the racism within Progressive Christian spaces. To be sure, MOST of the time this racism is not as in your face as that which is found within white Evangelical Christianity. Progressive Christian congregations will fly a Black Lives Matter Flag next to their inclusive queer flag, they will host book studies, workshops and courses on racism, and they may participate and host protests. All good works. And yet.... the reality is that their congregation and church leadership is still predominately white. Whiteness is still centered within this congregation, except that instead of bluntly using racial language, they use the language of “tradition.” 

In no way am I saying Progressive Christians are “just as bad” as say, the extremists within Evangelical Christianity. In fact, moderate Evangelicals are not the same as the extremists within Evangelical Christianity. But this idea that, “hey we are better than a,b,c” can cause one to ignore the ways in which Progressive Christians need to do better.  

I would argue, that most Progressive Christians know that things can and should be better. They see the gap between their words and actions, and yet they are so intent on holding onto their version of faith and demonstrating that they aren’t like those on the more extremist end of Christianity, that they willfully overlook the signs that demonstrate that change needs to occur. But you can only ignore reality for so long.  

The Brown family tried to put on a cheery face that everything was ok, but eventually, things fall apart and the conflict that was hidden or referred to in passing, takes center stage. Similarly, Progressive Christians need to decide whether they will make much-needed changes or if they will pretend everything is alright until reality comes crashing down.  

Image: Pink background. Yellow image of a sticky note. Text: Reminder: Progressive Christians struggle with some of the same issues that their conservative counterparts do, but often in more subtle ways that can be much harder to discern.