Where Do I Go Now?
Trust GOD from the bottom of your heart;
don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for GOD’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he’s the one who will keep you on track. Proverbs 3:5-6, The Message
Do you ever feel like a scared squirrel trapped in building, unable to get out? And to make matters worse, these two weird looking, walking on two legs, giant animals, speaking a strange language, are making their way towards you and you don’t know what to do or how to react. You just want to get out of there as fast as possible.
Let me explain. This morning, on my way to church, I heard this loud noise and out of the corner of my eye I saw a squirrel dash past me. I put my stuff down on the floor and think, “oh shit. There’s a squirrel trapped in here. How do I get it out?” My initial impulse was to try and usher it to the door, however, walking towards it only led it to run in the opposite direction. Finally, I decide to call the non-emergency number for University police. An officer is sent and he tells me to open the door, while he approaches the squirrel from the opposite direction, forcing the squirrel to run down the stairs towards the door. Eventually this plan works, though before running out the door, the squirrel slams right into a glass window in an attempt to escape the officer. But the squirrel is ok and eventually bolts out the door.
I’m not a squirrel and I know nothing about their emotional capabilities, but I can imagine the squirrel felt a moment of relief at not being trapped inside a weird cement box with no place to hide while two giant, strange looking animals, walk towards it.
It’s a funny scenario (at least for the two humans involved, not so much for the squirrel.) My initial impulse was to call the squirrel “dumb,” for getting trapped inside the building, slamming into the window and for not recognizing that we were just trying to get it out of there! But someone at church pointed out the squirrel was probably terrified. The squirrel didn’t understand where it was and it didn’t know if I was a predator or a friend. I mean, technically I was the idiot trying to talk to it like it was a dog in the hopes that it would obey me and get out of the building.
I’d like to think I’m smarter than a squirrel but life has a way of humbling you and knocking you down a few pegs. I can’t relate to the squirrel’s fear of being trapped inside of a building (though, I do have an intense fear of becoming trapped inside of a malfunctioning elevator), but I would be lying if I said I never experienced the absolute terror of uncertainty.
I am definitely one of those people that likes to have my ducks in a row. I like to know what I’m doing tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. I like to have plans and contingency plans. If something doesn’t work out or I get new information, I can change direction relatively quickly.
For those who don’t know me, this tendency makes me seem flaky and noncommittal. But in reality, this tendency is a result of my desire to have as much control over my life as possible and to be ready for any unexpected changes. Unfortunately, life has a way of destroying even the best made plans. Sometimes life stops you in your tracks and you are literally at a loss about what your next step should be. In those cases, you might act like a squirrel trapped inside of a building, frozen on a banister, making tiny squeaky noises too afraid to move in one direction or the other.
What are you supposed to do when your life falls apart?
Growing up, in an evangelical environment I was told that if I listened and obeyed God, that God would lead me exactly where I needed to go. God would direct my steps. If ended up taking a wrong turn, then somehow, I either disobeyed God or misheard God’s directions. But if I went to church, prayed, fasted, read the Bible, then everything would work out and I would know exactly what I would do with my life. That theology is certainly comforting, especially for a planner like me. But real life rarely goes according to plan.
When I started this academic school year, I thought I had the next 3-4 years roughly sketched out. I would be working towards my PhD. Not sure what I would do afterwards since the academic job market is horrible, but at least I would have stable housing, a stipend, and health insurance for the next few years. But things didn’t turn out that way.
I am mastering out of my PhD program (meaning I’ve switched the terminal master’s degree program) and I am scared. This wasn’t how I pictured things going. No one starts a PhD program thinking they wouldn’t finish. And as a Brown, Latinx woman, there’s added pressure that to get anything less than the highest degree would be letting not only yourself down, but your whole community. Many fields and institutions in academia are still predominately white, giving lip service to diversity. So, for Black and Brown students, there’s added pressure to succeed. We aren’t doing this just for ourselves: but we are doing this to prove that Black and Brown people belong in academia. When things don’t work out as you dreamed, it’s hard not to internalize feelings of failure.
And while I’m no longer an Evangelical Christian I can’t help but wonder: “where did I go wrong? Could this have been avoided if I had prayed more, fasted more, gone to church more?” My life feels like a series of wrong turns, and the more mistakes I make, the more panic ridden I get.
But maybe I need to re-frame my understanding about what it means for God to lead me. Instead of viewing God as a puppet master, pulling every string, and physically directing each and every move I make, I view God as a partner, walking with me as I try to navigate life. Maybe instead of hoping and expecting God to hand me an 80-page thesis detailing my next step, I view God as a loving and helpful presence nudging me along.
Rev. Russ Peterman, Senior Minister of University Christian Church in Fort Worth, has crafted sermons around the need for us to live into God’s calling for our lives. And I tell you, there have been times I have wanted to shout in the midst of a sermon, “I am TRYING, I don’t know what I AM DOING WRONG.” Thus far, I have managed to control myself…
But you know, I don’t think Rev. Peterman’s sermons are the problem. I think my definition of “calling” is skewed. I still tie the idea of a “calling” to a specific vocation and/or career. I would love nothing more than for God to say, “Naiomi, you’re not supposed to be a professor, but a high school teacher.” Or, “Naiomi, you should apply for this specific internship. That will get you where you need to be.” Maybe God works like that for some people, and if so, they are lucky. But maybe for the rest of us, it is less about God directing our individual steps and more about God journeying with us, each and every step along the way.
Maybe it’s about recognizing that God has been with me through it all. God was with me when I was formulating my 50 different plans. God was with me when they all fell apart and not a single one remained. God is with me as I stare with trepidation at a future that feels wide open and uncertain.
Maybe I need to remember that God is with me, even during those moments where I feel like a squirrel trapped in a building. Maybe God is one of those weird, giant, animal looking thingies, trying to get me to calm down enough to think clearly and get out. Neither the officer or me, tried to yank the squirrel by the tail and throw it outside. That probably would not have been the best course of action for a scared, terrified animal. Yet, I expect God to do that to me. I want God to metaphorically yank me by the arm and place me on the path I should go. But what if God doesn’t work like that? What if, the long process of figuring out who I am, what my strengths, gifts, etc. are, is just as important as wherever I ultimately end up?
